This was such a compelling read start to finish. Thank you for sharing and, more importantly, being vulnerable. I saw so much of myself and my own tendencies reflected to me in your writing, despite different lived experiences here. The passage about the end of life rally, in particular. Wooooof. I’ve never read someone describe that so perfectly and it feels nice to be seen. Thank you for sharing.
I so appreciate you reading and for taking the time to share your experience. I’m so glad I could offer my camaraderie in weird habits—I’m full of em, so any time you find yourself judging something you’re doing know you’re well within reason to assume you’re not alone. :)
I could not stop reading! Finding this piece feels like coming across something huge before the rest of the world has found it.
My favorite lines:
"...show me one pretty girl who doesn’t think she’s special."
"God, I hope we can change. I hope we have the capacity to allow others to change, too, are offered the opportunities to watch the people we love change in real time. So we’ve lived life. So we’ve let it affect us."
Just to say I read this 24 hours ago and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. It really crept up and then packed a lot of varied and profound punches. It has so much to say about ambition, self-sabotage, the confusion of hetero desire, how we are schooled in feminine devotion and the suckhole that is an industry where someone’s image is frozen and refracted infinitely. Thank you for sharing it ❤️🕊️❤️
Wow, that it’s stayed with you is a supreme compliment and I’m so happy to hear that the innards were worthy of such interaction, though I can’t help but feel undeserving of what feels like analysis on an academic scale (undeserving as my dad was a professor and we can get into my teacher complex later; just know that my being contextualized in that world sets off a manic disco in my head) as I wrote this thing as embedded within my own brain as I could. But then, as they say, at the most personal you are the most universal and maybe I’ll just let the saw be a saw. Anyway, thank you for your very thoughtful and kind words! And for reading. xx
The author does for us what we often cannot do for ourselves: painfully peel back the facade to reveal in the recounting of a romantic/platonic encounter, how vulnerability and accountability to self can help navigate through a potential connection and even possibly healing.
The road to love is fraught with variables, known, and unknown, challenging us at every turn as to whether to proceed or abandon. As a reader, we have the safe distance of a perch from which to peer down into someone else’s cavern of self doubt and constant examination, and discover for ourselves a universal truth: that we all run the same gamut of questioning who we are, what we want and expect and are willing to compromise for and tolerate in hopes of reaching happiness. The author’s astute observation on just how tricky the path to a healthy, intimate connection is, requires us to examine our own vulnerabilities within an
imperfect process conducted by two people with varying communication styles and unresolved histories, and a host of other variables that may complicate process.
I’m now realizing you’re the same person I just read and subscribed and commented-on-post to so the amount I’m engaging may very well feel threatening at this point, but I had to add, the book comment is received as a gigantic compliment, thank you, and I feel the generosity of your spirit in your words and am moved by it. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, that must be so unfathomably difficult. I’m glad you found some connection here though, and I look forward to continuing to read your work! xx
This is so kind and I’m the same way when I get excited about somebody on here! I feel so grateful to have crossed paths. This means as much to me as it does to you 💓💓
Posted my comment too soon, but that part really hit home for me. My older brother passed away suddenly in June of last year & I think about that all the time. Matty reminded me a lot of my brother, Danny. This felt kismet to stumble upon and I thank you for it 💌
God, I just want to hug you and shake you, while shouting you need to love yourself. Really great, well written essay. But wow, I want to do everything in my power to make sure my daughter doesn't measure her self worth by a man's love. This was a really heartbreaking read.
The amazing thing about this comment is that I retrospectively feel that same impulse toward my younger self. Inner child work - it works! And yes, let it be a cautionary tale to all who contribute to the shaping of a young psyche. ❤️
Between this and the Americas Next Top Model documentary and the Epstein files, I am thinking a lot about how young girls psyches are shaped. I want a better world for our girls.
Oh man, I haven’t seen that doc but am making a note to watch it - and I couldn’t agree more. It’s hard to take on the whole world, but empowering young people and creating safe spaces for them must ripple out.
I started reading because of Matthew Perry’s presence in the story, I grew up with (maybe because of) Friends. But from the very first paragraphs, you made me forget it was even about Matthew Perry anymore. I became completely obsessed with your writing. It feels like being inside your mind; a complicated, interesting, brilliant mind and I truly wanted to stay there longer.
I’ve never read something this long on Substack but if it’s yours, I definitely will. As soon as I send this, I’m subscribing. Please keep writing. You have an amazing way of seeing things and expressing them and I want to keep reading you.
Thank you for this piece, and I’m sorry for your loss. You put him in such a beautiful place and in the end I think that’s all that really matters <3
!!! Thank you so much! Such generous words, so generous in fact I read them thrice, twice aloud, once aloud to my boyfriend. Truly, no better words could be said to me. And as I continue to write, there’s also a whole back catalog of similarly despairing and embarrassing lessons learned on here, one of which I’m going to reshare as soon as I send this thank you off! For good measure- thank you again! xx
Hahahah you are so sweet!! I’m so happy I used the best words I could ever say to you (I meant every single one of them). Also happy that you read it three times (partly because I didn’t know the word thrice and now I do) and even performed it to an audience (your boyfriend!). Can’t wait to read that embarrassing lessons-learned catalog as long as you’re the narrator <3
“We all want to have our subjective realities mirrored back at us, but the illogic is in the language. It’s not possible, no two people will ever interpret a text the same way, much less years of amorphous coexistence, much less pseudo-trysts between an irreverent mouse and an armored elephant.”
I enjoyed this piece so much. Your writing is beautiful and I felt so many points where I said, wow, I know exactly how this feels.
Well done Mitzi. One of the most compelling things I’ve read on Substack. You could make more out of it if you chose, but it’s kind of perfect just the way it is. Good luck,
Brutally sad, bleak, and uncomfortable. You really managed to turn a story about a quite mundane relationship into a psychological novella that explores every angle of just how undignified and confused we all are.
Sure, Matthew Perry is the hook, but the story develops into a personal wrestle with meaning and identity while the events unfold and take a backseat to the increasingly sprawling personal interpretation of their significance. In many ways, this reminds me of Batuman's The Idiot.
The narrative jumps between settings so often that it's sometimes hard to keep track of what's actually going on, which has the effect of imbuing all the recollections with an oneiric quality, just like real-life emotional memories. We get upswells of feeling and confusion and longing, and they're scattered among troughs of inexact memory and avoided reflections.
And the conclusion about embracing vulnerability and choosing to celebrate the positives in what happened is tonally fitting, not succumbing to overoptimism or breezy insouciance, just accepting what we get for what it is, stripping it bare and not fearing what looks back.
What a complex and interesting story about self-loathing and love and relationships. So glad I stumbled upon it and even happier you wrote it.
This was such a compelling read start to finish. Thank you for sharing and, more importantly, being vulnerable. I saw so much of myself and my own tendencies reflected to me in your writing, despite different lived experiences here. The passage about the end of life rally, in particular. Wooooof. I’ve never read someone describe that so perfectly and it feels nice to be seen. Thank you for sharing.
I so appreciate you reading and for taking the time to share your experience. I’m so glad I could offer my camaraderie in weird habits—I’m full of em, so any time you find yourself judging something you’re doing know you’re well within reason to assume you’re not alone. :)
I could not stop reading! Finding this piece feels like coming across something huge before the rest of the world has found it.
My favorite lines:
"...show me one pretty girl who doesn’t think she’s special."
"God, I hope we can change. I hope we have the capacity to allow others to change, too, are offered the opportunities to watch the people we love change in real time. So we’ve lived life. So we’ve let it affect us."
Truly, well done.
Ooh! What a thing to hear. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to respond!
This is phenomenal. Your writing is gripping, I’d read a whole novel of this.
Wow, that is so nice to hear! I have one I abandoned years ago, perhaps I’ll pay it a visit… Thank you so much for reading!
I couldn't stop thinking the same thing as I read this—I could absorb this writing style all day, no matter the medium.
🥹 Ahh, that’s incredibly kind and music to my funny ears, thank you!
Agreed!
Just to say I read this 24 hours ago and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. It really crept up and then packed a lot of varied and profound punches. It has so much to say about ambition, self-sabotage, the confusion of hetero desire, how we are schooled in feminine devotion and the suckhole that is an industry where someone’s image is frozen and refracted infinitely. Thank you for sharing it ❤️🕊️❤️
Wow, that it’s stayed with you is a supreme compliment and I’m so happy to hear that the innards were worthy of such interaction, though I can’t help but feel undeserving of what feels like analysis on an academic scale (undeserving as my dad was a professor and we can get into my teacher complex later; just know that my being contextualized in that world sets off a manic disco in my head) as I wrote this thing as embedded within my own brain as I could. But then, as they say, at the most personal you are the most universal and maybe I’ll just let the saw be a saw. Anyway, thank you for your very thoughtful and kind words! And for reading. xx
Shared on my FB:
The author does for us what we often cannot do for ourselves: painfully peel back the facade to reveal in the recounting of a romantic/platonic encounter, how vulnerability and accountability to self can help navigate through a potential connection and even possibly healing.
The road to love is fraught with variables, known, and unknown, challenging us at every turn as to whether to proceed or abandon. As a reader, we have the safe distance of a perch from which to peer down into someone else’s cavern of self doubt and constant examination, and discover for ourselves a universal truth: that we all run the same gamut of questioning who we are, what we want and expect and are willing to compromise for and tolerate in hopes of reaching happiness. The author’s astute observation on just how tricky the path to a healthy, intimate connection is, requires us to examine our own vulnerabilities within an
imperfect process conducted by two people with varying communication styles and unresolved histories, and a host of other variables that may complicate process.
This is incredible. I didn’t feel like I was on my phone anymore, I truly felt like I was turning the pages of a book.
He was saying that the wall that separates us living from death is veil thin for him, he’s been pressed up against it for so long.
I’m now realizing you’re the same person I just read and subscribed and commented-on-post to so the amount I’m engaging may very well feel threatening at this point, but I had to add, the book comment is received as a gigantic compliment, thank you, and I feel the generosity of your spirit in your words and am moved by it. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, that must be so unfathomably difficult. I’m glad you found some connection here though, and I look forward to continuing to read your work! xx
This is so kind and I’m the same way when I get excited about somebody on here! I feel so grateful to have crossed paths. This means as much to me as it does to you 💓💓
Posted my comment too soon, but that part really hit home for me. My older brother passed away suddenly in June of last year & I think about that all the time. Matty reminded me a lot of my brother, Danny. This felt kismet to stumble upon and I thank you for it 💌
Very beautiful piece. Your writing style is really captivating.
Thank you so much! I appreciate the compliment!
God, I just want to hug you and shake you, while shouting you need to love yourself. Really great, well written essay. But wow, I want to do everything in my power to make sure my daughter doesn't measure her self worth by a man's love. This was a really heartbreaking read.
The amazing thing about this comment is that I retrospectively feel that same impulse toward my younger self. Inner child work - it works! And yes, let it be a cautionary tale to all who contribute to the shaping of a young psyche. ❤️
Between this and the Americas Next Top Model documentary and the Epstein files, I am thinking a lot about how young girls psyches are shaped. I want a better world for our girls.
Oh man, I haven’t seen that doc but am making a note to watch it - and I couldn’t agree more. It’s hard to take on the whole world, but empowering young people and creating safe spaces for them must ripple out.
I started reading because of Matthew Perry’s presence in the story, I grew up with (maybe because of) Friends. But from the very first paragraphs, you made me forget it was even about Matthew Perry anymore. I became completely obsessed with your writing. It feels like being inside your mind; a complicated, interesting, brilliant mind and I truly wanted to stay there longer.
I’ve never read something this long on Substack but if it’s yours, I definitely will. As soon as I send this, I’m subscribing. Please keep writing. You have an amazing way of seeing things and expressing them and I want to keep reading you.
Thank you for this piece, and I’m sorry for your loss. You put him in such a beautiful place and in the end I think that’s all that really matters <3
!!! Thank you so much! Such generous words, so generous in fact I read them thrice, twice aloud, once aloud to my boyfriend. Truly, no better words could be said to me. And as I continue to write, there’s also a whole back catalog of similarly despairing and embarrassing lessons learned on here, one of which I’m going to reshare as soon as I send this thank you off! For good measure- thank you again! xx
Hahahah you are so sweet!! I’m so happy I used the best words I could ever say to you (I meant every single one of them). Also happy that you read it three times (partly because I didn’t know the word thrice and now I do) and even performed it to an audience (your boyfriend!). Can’t wait to read that embarrassing lessons-learned catalog as long as you’re the narrator <3
“We all want to have our subjective realities mirrored back at us, but the illogic is in the language. It’s not possible, no two people will ever interpret a text the same way, much less years of amorphous coexistence, much less pseudo-trysts between an irreverent mouse and an armored elephant.”
I enjoyed this piece so much. Your writing is beautiful and I felt so many points where I said, wow, I know exactly how this feels.
Well done Mitzi. One of the most compelling things I’ve read on Substack. You could make more out of it if you chose, but it’s kind of perfect just the way it is. Good luck,
That is so kind, thank you! For now, I’m mostly invested in seeing how the story continues to evolve as I keep living…
Brutally sad, bleak, and uncomfortable. You really managed to turn a story about a quite mundane relationship into a psychological novella that explores every angle of just how undignified and confused we all are.
Sure, Matthew Perry is the hook, but the story develops into a personal wrestle with meaning and identity while the events unfold and take a backseat to the increasingly sprawling personal interpretation of their significance. In many ways, this reminds me of Batuman's The Idiot.
The narrative jumps between settings so often that it's sometimes hard to keep track of what's actually going on, which has the effect of imbuing all the recollections with an oneiric quality, just like real-life emotional memories. We get upswells of feeling and confusion and longing, and they're scattered among troughs of inexact memory and avoided reflections.
And the conclusion about embracing vulnerability and choosing to celebrate the positives in what happened is tonally fitting, not succumbing to overoptimism or breezy insouciance, just accepting what we get for what it is, stripping it bare and not fearing what looks back.
What a great piece Mitzi. Looking forward to more from you!
Thanks for reading, Danny! x
Wow. This is one of the most immersive reading experiences I've had on this platform. I had to take it all in in one breath. Brilliant.
That’s so kind! I’m glad you found your way here and am so happy to hear you enjoyed the reading experience x
Really beautiful writing. I almost feel bad to know this private moments through written words